Post-Two Week Hiatus

After two straight months of daily content, I took a much-needed break from posting. But I’m BAAAAAAAAAAACK

I’ve been thinking a lot about what type of content I’ll share moving forward. Here’s what I have in mind:

  1. Definitely keep an eye out for more collaborative posts.  There’s no way in hell I’m stopping those. But asking others to be vulnerable and share their words is a delicate process. It takes time. I’m always open for submissions, though! Feel free to contact me at any of the links above if you’re interested. I’ll definitely be sharing guest-written posts randomly here and there, but as for another month-long project, that will take more time.
  2. Back to more inspired-in-the-moment content. I used to write about what I was currently listening to, daily experiences that really stuck with me, and emotions I felt were worth sharing. I’m goin’ back to more of that fo’ sho’.
  3. New stuff too!!!!!! I want this blog to become a cross between activism-driven collaboration, and an insight into my life. From texts that made me laugh, to memes I can’t get enough of. Pictures of weekly experiences, and whatever is on my mind. I’m going to start sharing it.
  4. A new navigation toolbar is in the works. So whatever you come to this blog for, whether it’s the LGBTQ+ content, mental health related posts, guest-written articles, or my random words, you’ll be able to find it and you won’t be stuck skimming through the other shit you don’t care about.

With that said, here’s my favorite text exchange this week. Hopefully it brightens up your Friday:

 

I Promise I Will Write Something Soon!

I haven’t written in over a month I think. I’ve been feeling a little disconnected with myself and my creativity recently if that makes any sense. I spent the last month or so wrapped up in the holidays, and although that made me so happy, I think it was subconsciously my way of disassociating for a little while. 

Happiness is great and like I’ve said so many times before, I feel happy a lot of the time! But when I let myself lose sight of my deeper feelings/stop writing/etc I know I’m letting myself only feel the happiness and that can be counter productive.

Life is all about a multitude of feelings and progress is about acknowledging and processing it all. 

On a related note, my best friend bought me this amazing Blog Planner book and I cannot wait to use it. 

Kewl kewl totally kewl. HAPPY MONDAY

Hey, I live in New York now

It’s funny how different my productivity has become in just a couple short weeks. Let me explain. 

I moved to Manhattan on September 6…..that was a little over a week ago. Since then, I feel extremely unproductive and lazy. In a way, I think I deserve it. Commuting really took a toll on me. But on the other hand, I am in the city I always DREAMED of living in and I’ve spent the past week glued to the couch in my free time!!!!! This is a very typical cycle for me to fall into…so I’m trying to nip the problem in the bud before it really starts to take a hold on me. 

I always dreamed of living in New York as a kid because I imagined being surrounded by people that inspire my creativity. I imagined being literally mesmerized by the beauty and talent all around me. I definitely think that raw talent is everywhere here, but I think I am already choosing to overlook it and that terrifies me. I don’t want to ever become the stereotypical busy New Yorker rushing to and from work blinded by stress.

I think I need to make more of a conscious effort to spend time in public alone. And I need to spend that time taking in everyone around me and also WRITING. 

I’ve been really bored at my job recently and I think that has a lot to do with my laziness too. It is no surprise that I am not exactly “doing what I love” at my current job. Many people don’t though! So in a sense, I am okay with that for now. But I can’t let that boredom spill over into every other aspect of my life. 

I am going to try to spend at least one day a week, alone, writing. And I want to try to find a new place to visit every week. I think it will be a good challenge for me. 

I once bought a book called 642 Things to Write About. Maybe I will take those prompts and write them on here every week.

Sorry this post wasn’t as deep or as dark as some of my other ones. I’ve just felt very stark and bland recently and I think it is showing through in my writing too. I need a lil inspiration ~y’all~

PLZ SEND SUGGESTIONS IF YOU’D LIKE. OR ASK ME QUESTIONS IF YOU WANT. I don’t even think people read this but hey, is there anything that inspires you? 

Something I’ve Had on My Mind

Recently, I had a friend say to me (more or less), “lesbians are gross, like I think vaginas are just gross… I just don’t get it, how can you like that?” L.o.l.

In said friend’s defense, I really don’t think it was intended to be judgmental or discriminatory. What she was trying to express was that she simply cannot wrap her brain around a girl wanting to be sexual with another girl, given the fact that she has personally never felt that way before.

But although it came from an innocent place, that still doesn’t make it okay. I get irrationally defensive and angry about comments like this because I feel so differently about it. I know we’re all entitled to our own opinions……I GET IT OK, FREEDOM OF SPEECH, YADDA YADDA, I KNOW. But I think that when your opinion is negatively targeting someone who identifies as part of a minority group, your opinion is offensive regardless of your initial intentions. Minorities are already historically oppressed, so by spreading more disapproval, you’re just furthering the oppression.

Also on a less serious but still important note, why do you care anyway?????? Is some girl trying to force you to eat her out and THAT’S why you’re so offended by the concept??? Because in that case, you’re going to have to have a nice lil’ chat with that girl about boundaries and consent. Otherwise, from what I can gather, I don’t think lesbians are affecting you in any way? So can’t you just let them live their lives happily and in love just like you want to do? For example uh, I don’t necessarily care for the idea of an orgy but likeeee personal preference, man. Let the people love how they want to love. PLUS, wouldn’t you, as a straight girl, be offended if someone said “I just like, don’t get straight girls…like I think the way they have sex is just gross”??

I don’t know. I guess I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by so many people in New York with such open-minded opinions that I don’t often hear comments like that anymore, so it really shocks me when I do.

Love is love and I sincerely cannot wrap my brain around why that concept is so hard to grasp. Our world is so dominated by this straight, cis-gendered culture and it doesn’t make any sense because its 2016 and we know there is so much diversity so why are we still fighting it!!!!!

FOR EXAMPLE (I’m going to get personal so bear with me), my dad is gay. Or bi…or whatever label to you want give it. My dad hooks up with dudes sometimes. He was also married to my mom for decades so I guess if we’re going to label it, let’s go with bi. Anyways, moving on. This is so massively important BECAUSE in so many ways he was/is so, so ashamed of it. And in so many ways it basically ate him alive and now he will suffer years and years in jail (sort of) as a result.

I only found out my dad was bi a couple years ago when he was already mid-downward spiral. That breaks my heart. Obviously it is something that has been difficult for me to admit, but in all honesty, that difficulty only stemmed from the fact that he hid it. And the fact that he ALWAYS taught me to accept any and all sexual preferences, but he couldn’t even fully accept his own. In a way, his shame turned into my shame, and for lack of a better explanation, it just confused the shit out of me.

I know that “times were different” a couple decades ago. I’m sure he struggled a great deal and I can’t be mad about the fact that it was extremely difficult for him to accept himself. ALONG WITH THAT, I know that it is still very hard for soooo many people to come to terms with their sexualities today…. BUT THIS IS MY WHOLE POINT.

WE, AS A COUNTRY, ARE THE REASON THAT THIS IS STILL SO DIFFICULT. By spreading negativity we’re basically preaching that you should be ashamed of your differences. 

Do I think my dad would not be in jail if our community was overall more accepting? Not necessarily. He has plenty of other issues going on that factor in to that situation…….BUT I do think I would have had a much deeper and more honest relationship with him if he had been less afraid to love who he wanted to love.

To hide part of who you are out of fear is a horrible, horrible way to live. Why are we STILL actively letting people suffer this way? Why do we STILL care about sexuality (and gender) SO MUCH.

I know I say all of this as if change should be easy. And I know, in a way, I might sound like I’m minimizing the situation. But in reality, it really should be that easy. I know it never will be. The world will always be filled with as many opinions as there are people. And I know my opinion may not change a single person’s mind, but I still think it needs to be said.

I still think people should be reminded that it really can be that simple to change your outlook. It can be that simple to accept that everyone is different. You may not agree with their actions, but you can live a life full of compassion regardless.

There are so, so, so many worse things happening in the world to worry about. Quit wastin’ so much negative energy on this topic and fix world hunger or something IDK, GOD. 

Podcasts

alexkrump:

I have listened to a lot of podcasts and I am running out of one’s that I enjoy. So naturally the first idea I jump to is: I should start one???

L O L if only it was that easy. But in all seriousness…should I?? 

I listen to a lot of really awesome podcasts. Some that I listen to are just about interesting unsolved crimes/mysteries/etc (ie: Criminal, Serial, Undisclosed, Unsolved Murders). A lot are just interviews with people I find interesting (ie: Anna Faris in Unqualified, Not Too Deep with Grace Helbig, Zall Good with Alexis G. Zall, Off Camera with Sam Jones), And some are just about life, emotions, and the issues we all may encounter (ie: Beautiful//Anonymous, Mental Illness Happy Hour).  

There are SO many other genres of podcasts out there that I didn’t even list (and many that I listen to that I didn’t even mention), but my point is: PODCASTS ARE COOL AND INTERESTING AND I THINK I HAVE SOME GOOD IDEAS.

Is that narcissistic of me? What if the reason I want to start the podcast is because I want my friends voices to be heard via interviews? 

I want to actually think harder about this idea because it could be v cool. ok 

Privilege

alexkrump:

Earlier today I took a Buzzfeed quiz about privilege. It basically consisted of 100 questions that relate to race, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, mental health, etc. Essentially the more boxes you check off, the more privileged you are. (You can take the quiz here: https://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/how-privileged-are-you?utm_term=.xte7Xjp8e#.nmPWlxLjp

I got a 60/100. To me, when I originally saw that number, I felt almost sorry for myself. I immediately looked at it as 40 reasons why I’m not good enough. But I read the description associated with that number that said “You’re quite privileged. You’ve had a few struggles, but overall your life has been far easier than most. This is not a bad thing, nor is it something to be ashamed of. But you should be aware of your advantages and work to help others who don’t have them.”

This gave me a whole new perspective on my privilege and how I compare to others around me. I’m so quick to pity myself sometimes, because I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by a good amount of friends with lives substantially easier than mine. It’s really nice and humbling to be reminded that, although not EVERYTHING is easy for me, a lot of things are, and it’s not something I should ever take for granted.

PLUS it’s such a huge motivation-booster to see people that are considered to be substantially less privileged than I am, doing amazingly successful, great things with their lives. It helps me to remember that just because some things are difficult, it doesn’t mean I can’t find happiness and success too.

 And even more so than that, it gives me hope for the future. It makes me think that maybe, slowly, we are actually moving closer to equality in America. That just because someone is female, or queer, or of color, or trans, or poor, doesn’t mean they can’t have all the same accomplishments as an upper class, white, straight male. Don’t get me wrong, I can safely assume that those people less privileged had to work at least a little bit harder than the stereotypical white male, but they’re still succeeding and showing people that it’s possible to defy those odds! 

This is what we need to keep fighting for! I’m so adamant about equal rights and I think that confuses people sometimes because they see me as an upper-middle class, straight, white girl. But 1. it’s easy to judge me and assume those things based on my appearance AND more importantly 2. you do not have to be part of a minority group to care about their rights!!!!!!!! Allies need to help the cause or nothing will ever change!!!!! Ugh that part infuriates me because, to me, it feels like a lot of people I know only care about issues that directly affect them but PEOPLE’S RIGHTS MATTER AND YOU NEED TO CARE.

Okay this post took a ramble-y turn but anyways those are my thoughts thanks for listening!!

alexkrump:

There’s no eloquent way to say this…or if there is I don’t really feel like trying (lol)… but I just wanted to say how weird it is to look back at old pictures I posted on my Tumblr during the first couple years I was using it. 

Someone recently liked a picture I posted during my freshman year of college (2011) where I stated, “a couple of the biggest changes in my life thus far have happened recently”. That comment alone boggles my mind.

I feel so far removed from that person I was 5 years ago, yet I am consistently having this crisis about feeling like I’m still an 18 year old trapped in a 23 year old’s body. 

I posted that picture in 2011 before my parent’s divorced, before my brother’s accident, and before my dad’s arrest. Since then, I’ve also made so many new friends, lived in 6 different houses/apartments, and worked in 3 different cities.

Sometimes I really have no idea who I am right now, because my life is basically just constant change. When I posted that in 2011, going to college was one of the first real HUGE changes in my life and I really craved it. Now all I crave is stability. 

No point to this post aside from the fact that LIFE IS WEIRD MAN.

It makes me excited and also extreeeeeemely terrified for the future. 

Perceived Confidence

alexkrump:

I’ve been thinking a lot about confidence recently, or at least perceived confidence. As I’ve mentioned multiple times before, I have a problem with being passive and letting my social anxiety take control. For a long time I think I just assumed the two went hand in hand. Being socially anxious does sometimes make me passive. I avoid conflict. I avoid conversations with people I’m not completely comfortable with. I avoid anything that makes me vulnerable and that could potentially make an interaction become uncomfortable. I let others determine every aspect of how my social interactions will go. I, by definition, am pretty fucking passive. But if New York has taught me anything, it is that being passive is not only not going to get me anywhere, but its ultimately going to eat me alive.

I let my perceptions of myself be defined by other people’s perceptions of me. When my dad was arrested last year I let my shame determine how I handled all of my interactions. I always found myself making excuses for people that started treating me differently because of it. I was always walking on eggshells hoping not to offend anyone with my presence. I literally remember apologizing to so many people as I opened up to them about my dad. As if my personal struggles were in some way something I needed to be sorry for? ? What I failed to realize at the time, was how often I was offended in the process and how badly my emotional stability was suffering as a result.

This weekend I went out to a bar in my hometown for the first time in a very long time. (Backstory: I haven’t truly lived in my town since high school, but until recently, my mom still lived there and I visited often. My relationship with my “home” is complicated… maybe I’ll elaborate in another post sometime. But for all intensive purposes, I really like it there, regardless of some of the negative memories I have associated with it.)

Anyway, I’ve always been a little hesitant to go out to bars in my town. But I have some awesome friends from home still, and I don’t see them as often as I should almost entirely because I am afraid that I’ll be put in uncomfortable social situations with people that will judge me based on my family.

So on Friday I decided to go out to celebrate a friend’s birthday. While at the bar, I ran into a lot of people I used to know/be friends with that I haven’t seen in years. The idea of seeing these kinds of people in this type of setting usually TERRIFIES me because 1) my anxiety makes the thought of small talk with acquaintances seem literally crippling sometimes, but more importantly because 2) almost everyone in my town thinks they know about my family due to all the publicity my dad’s arrest got and all the gossip said publicity created over the past year and a half. This aspect of the situation alone is usually enough to keep me far away from any social situation at home.

This time I faced my fears head on. I threw caution to the wind and spent my night divulging a LOT about my life to a lot of people who definitely were NOT expecting it. Granted, I was drunk so I had a lot of ~liquid courage~ but that’s never helped me to be more ballsy with anything like this in the past! I went on and on about my dad being arrested, my mom hooking up with guys I graduated with, my brother being bullied after the arrest, my own mental health, etc. Basically, when it came to anything that people could and have read or talked about over the past year – I was an open book. It was a RUSH! AND I’ve never had such positive responses! I felt like the most confident girl at the bar.

Now listen, don’t get me wrong, this shit still hurts. These things still get to me and clearly I’m not all that confident with any of it yet. But if I can act like I am, and open the dialogue on MY terms, then I finally can be in control. I finally feel like I don’t have to be seen as someone begging for acceptance, but instead someone promoting understanding.

I think it opens people’s eyes a bit to see someone acting visibly confident about something that can be seen as controversial. And honestly, even more-so than that, I feel like opening up about personal issues allows people to be more comfortable vocalizing their own. Everyone has something they’re struggling with. I’m a strong believer in the fact that there really is no such thing as “normal”. 

The experiences we go through in life, both good and bad, make us who we are. I’ve always been willing to accept that about others, but It’s pretty liberating to finally be accepting that about myself too. 

Confessions of an Eggshell Walker

alexkrump:

I’m trying to write more like I used to. My first couple posts on tumblr were very emotionally driven i.e.: about my feelings on graduating college, about my struggle with emotional expression, etc. But I want to share other thoughts too. Who said blogging needs to be intense!

Today I saw a new therapist. This is the 4th therapist/psychiatrist I’ve gone to in the past 2 years. The initial meeting is honestly like a drug. I get a high from divulging a bunch of information to someone I pay to listen to me. I almost want to cancel my next session with this therapist just to find a new one and do it all again. In the past 2 years I haven’t ever added the emotional factor to therapy. I guess that says something about me. I’m all for sharing until I have to be vulnerable… then count me out!

Today I also told my therapist that I have never ruled out the fact that I could be attracted to women. That’s something I’ve never said out loud before today, but why!! I’ve honestly had that viewpoint for a while now. Why am I scared of anyone knowing that? I have always grown up with the understanding that sexuality is a spectrum and can be fluid. I genuinely preach that belief to people. So why am I so ashamed to put myself somewhere on that spectrum just like anyone else? I have no idea who I’ll fall in love with one day!! That ain’t somethin’ to be ashamed of, at least I don’t think so. Love is love, man. Just because I’ve only kissed boys in the past doesn’t mean that I might not want to kiss a girl in the future. Honestly, can any of you “straight” people confidently say you disagree with that? Maybe. Agree to disagree I suppose.

Anyways, I think my point in that is that I’m often hesitant to share my thoughts on certain topics out of fear of judgement or disapproval. But I’m almost 24 years old and I’m done trying to live my life by consistently walking on eggshells to be accepted. You gotta like me for me, ~DUH~.

Way easier said than done, clearly, but HEY. I don’t want to look back 20 years from now and realize I’ve spent my all of my time tailoring my actions to fit other people’s ideals.

Being bullied as a kid fucks with your trust, man. So does anxiety. Having this voice consistently telling you that no one really likes you, your relationships aren’t genuine, and your friends have ulterior motives is hard! But the more I talk about it, the more I learn to navigate my life even with those little voices there.

So it turns out sharing a little bit of my personal life on here has already had some pretty cool outcomes

alexkrump:

Although these may be little accomplishments, bear with me, because its progress nonetheless. The morning after I wrote that long post about my inability to express my feelings, one of my best friends reached out to me about how she felt like it took a lot of courage for me to share those thoughts publicly. I know its silly, but things like that, even from someone I talk to everyday, feel really great sometimes. 

Sometimes all you need is a reminder that what you’re doing takes guts. It is so easy to beat yourself up and feel like you’re weak and cowardly and incompetent because you don’t have everything (or anything at all) figured out. As cliche as it is, we really are our own worst critics. I am so guilty of that every single day. But positive affirmation from someone can really go a long way. I need to remember to try to share that positivity with other people more often also. 

Today another friend of mine happen to stumble upon my tumblr and that post too. It felt good to know that I have people that genuinely do care, and genuinely do want to listen and want to let me be open and vulnerable with them. It is so easy to automatically assume no one wants to hear what you’re struggling with. At my anxious moments, I work myself up and assume that because no one is asking if I’m okay, they don’t care about my wellbeing. But in reality, how does anyone know to ask how you’re doing if you don’t give them a reason to? 

It takes a lot of courage to admit to someone that you’re not okay. But I try to remind myself that that courage almost always brings a massive reward. It is terrifying to feel like you’ve given this big part of yourself to someone else. Especially because they can literally do anything they want to you in return. No one has to accept and support you, and honestly not everyone will. But I can pretty confidently say that most people will, and with that support you will grow. Those people who do end up judging you will help you grow too. 

Not every day is a good day for me. I actually had a few pretty bad days before this, but I’m thankful for today. I am thankful for the reminder that I have people to rely on, even when my anxiety is trying to convince me I’m so completely alone. With this support I will hopefully start to take more and more baby steps towards allowing myself to be a more honest and vulnerable person. Maybe one day I’ll be able to share these feelings in person with someone! 

It’s also pretty cool that my post last week got 3 likes. I know that is such a minuscule number, but to me it means a lot. It means there are 3 people out there that read that post and could relate to it enough to like it. There are 3 people out there that understand how I feel. 

Maybe one day soon I’ll have the guts to share something more detailed about my dad.