Summer in New York City | August ’17

First of all, I am very well aware of the fact that I haven’t written anything of value on here in literally months. Ya know, just figured I’d acknowledge my complete lack of commitment and say that I HAVE THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT AND I WILL SHARE THEM SOON.

In the meantime, check out August’s vlog ft. my friends with video footage to prove that we do in fact watch sports occasionally.

Are You All Really Happy and Successful, Tho? IDGI

I’ve been seeing a lot of blog posts recently written by young people in the corporate world. I don’t know if I’m somehow subconsciously attracting articles like this or what, but posts by ~20-somethings in big cities looking for jobs~ are basically consistently begging me to view them these days.

A reoccurring theme I’ve noticed in all of these posts is that all of these people seem so hopeful??? The all seem fairly confident that they will find careers they want? They also all seem financially stable? Even though a lot of the people behind these posts are either currently unemployed or currently interning.

I finish reading these posts with the same frustrated feeling every time. First of all, I really thought I had the mindset of the majority on this? I thought that that’s why we all share those memes about how miserable it is to be a millennial? Did I miss the memo? I don’t know if it’s just me and my complete inability to “fake it”, or if it’s a little bit of that grass-is-always-greener effect happening, but you aren’t all actually happy, are you?

I’m not writing to pick people apart or to call some bloggers out on their shit. Quite the opposite actually. To me, blogging has always been about honesty. That was the entire intent of this blog from the start. I wanted to share my genuine experiences and opinions with the world to remind myself and others that no one is ever alone.

So like…..can we all agree that the working world in your 20’s (and even after) is scary AF? Yes, granted, I work in the Media Industry. And yes, ideally I would like to pursue a creative position in my future (ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa). So that does play a part in my opinions on all of this. My college professors used to tell us weekly that the Media Industry was a “‘no’ business”. They would remind us daily that we will hear a hundred “no”s before a single “yes”. So yeah, maybe I hit the ground with some preconceived notions and a negative attitude, but I sure as hell am not alone.

I don’t think the struggles of finding a job in your 20s change that drastically from industry to industry either. Like, if we’re being honest with ourselves, can we admit that a good amount of a college graduate’s initial success on the job hunt is directly correlated to the connections they have off the bat?

Every. Single. Position. I had prior to my current job was because of a connection I had. When I was moving from DC to NYC, I applied to hundreds and hundreds of jobs over the course of 4-6 months until I landed an interview with the company I am at now.

My point in this is, it’s not unusual to feel discouraged and unwanted while trying to find your corporate niche. I don’t know if some people are just better at grinning and bearing it, but I personally think it’s extremely easy to feel lost and hopeless as a 20-something working professional, even with a job.

I literally wonder DAILY if I made the right decision by graduating college with a Media Arts degree. I have an internal battle with myself constantly over whether I should continue to choose a career path for the money, or attempt to look for something that I can put my passions into. I’m constantly terrified that I’m not making enough money to sustain my lifestyle, and I’m even more scared that a passion-driven position would make that problem worse.

When people tell you that you should follow your dreams and do what you love, they’re completely right, but they often forget to remind you that it going to be hard AF too. I love that our parent’s generation, for the most part, seems to have instilled the idea in all of us that happiness should come before money. What I don’t think anyone talks about though, is the fact that it’s almost impossible to measure and quantify “happiness”. In my opinion, this leaves our generation constantly wondering if we’re doing the right things, making the right decisions, and finding the “happiness” we’ve been working towards all this time.

This is basically the biggest ~first world problems~ post on the planet right now, and I get that. Especially given the recent horrific events in our country (and the world, i.e. Barcelona today), but it’s been on my mind for so long now. Plus, I just cannot even begin to articulate my feelings on all of those recent events – that’s for an entirely separate post.

It’s just so easy to feel lost in a world filled with so many talented people. I think we all deserve a little reminder that we’re still of worth, even though things aren’t always going to come easy.

I Haven’t Written in a While

Here is why: 

  1. Writing, for me, is therapeutic, but only to an extent. When I’m feeling more drained/stressed/tired/sad than usual, sometimes writing just seems impossible. Sometimes I can’t even comprehend how I could find the energy to put words on paper. I’ve felt that way a lot recently.
  2. On a lighter note, I’ve also just been busy. I’ve been apartment hunting like crazy, traveling a lot while it is still summer, and working non-stop. I usually have a lot more alone time to write, but I’ve been so exhausted by the time I get on the train home every night that all I’ve wanted to do is turn my brain off for a little bit.

Here are some updates that I want to elaborate on in future posts: 

  1. I had a meltdown on my birthday. I think a lot of it stemmed from seeing my dad’s parents the night before. Seeing them put me in this dark place and I just couldn’t shake it because I couldn’t even really put my finger on why I felt that way. I just knew I felt it and I just couldn’t stop crying all day. In a way it was helpful though. I haven’t felt that low in a while. I think I needed it.
  2. I’ve been feeling extra disconnected from my friends recently. Usually I’m very extroverted in the sense that being with people energizes me. It lifts my mood and distracts me from the thoughts in my head. Recently I have felt the exact opposite. I feel unlike myself, lonely, and frustrated around friends. I cried on Friday night (while we were out celebrating my birthday) partially because I felt this way and just couldn’t make it go away. I feel increasingly more interested in being alone now, and I’m afraid its only going to get worse. It’s such a double edged sword because I’m lonely alone but unhappy when I’m not alone. 
  3. I bought a book called ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells”. Sounds cheesy, but its been great so far. It’s about dealing with friends/family who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. My dad has BPD and it has been realllllllllly difficult on me specifically. Hopefully I’ll learn how to create a relationship with him that is healthy and not overbearing. A lot of my trust and self confidence issues stem from my relationship with him so I’m hoping this helps me rationalize those insecurities more. 
  4. I’ve been extra hard on myself about money recently. I used to get this way all the time while I was living in DC, but since I moved home, I haven’t had to pay rent and things have been *slightly* easier. I’m always pitying myself for having a job that doesn’t pay me that well, and I’m always jealous of friends that have a lot of financial support from their parents. When I was at my low point on Tuesday my mom told me she would give me $20k if she knew it would make me happy. I’ve been thinking about that a lot since then. Aside from the fact that I wouldn’t take that money anyway, because my mom simply doesn’t have it to give, it’s an interesting concept. It has made me wonder whether I’d be just as hard on myself about money even if I had that much more of it. It’s also made me wonder how much of my confidence depends on my income (bc clothes, makeup, nice things, etc).

I’ll write more later. I’m going to Rehoboth this weekend with my friends from DC and I’m really excited! I’m going to try to drink less while I’m there. I think a lot of my anxieties and negative thoughts have been surfacing once I get drunk and I’m hoping I can contain that for the weekend. 

LOL GUESS WE’LL SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOES ANYONE EVEN READ THIS ANYWAYS???????