Here is why:
- Writing, for me, is therapeutic, but only to an extent. When I’m feeling more drained/stressed/tired/sad than usual, sometimes writing just seems impossible. Sometimes I can’t even comprehend how I could find the energy to put words on paper. I’ve felt that way a lot recently.
- On a lighter note, I’ve also just been busy. I’ve been apartment hunting like crazy, traveling a lot while it is still summer, and working non-stop. I usually have a lot more alone time to write, but I’ve been so exhausted by the time I get on the train home every night that all I’ve wanted to do is turn my brain off for a little bit.
Here are some updates that I want to elaborate on in future posts:
- I had a meltdown on my birthday. I think a lot of it stemmed from seeing my dad’s parents the night before. Seeing them put me in this dark place and I just couldn’t shake it because I couldn’t even really put my finger on why I felt that way. I just knew I felt it and I just couldn’t stop crying all day. In a way it was helpful though. I haven’t felt that low in a while. I think I needed it.
- I’ve been feeling extra disconnected from my friends recently. Usually I’m very extroverted in the sense that being with people energizes me. It lifts my mood and distracts me from the thoughts in my head. Recently I have felt the exact opposite. I feel unlike myself, lonely, and frustrated around friends. I cried on Friday night (while we were out celebrating my birthday) partially because I felt this way and just couldn’t make it go away. I feel increasingly more interested in being alone now, and I’m afraid its only going to get worse. It’s such a double edged sword because I’m lonely alone but unhappy when I’m not alone.
- I bought a book called ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells”. Sounds cheesy, but its been great so far. It’s about dealing with friends/family who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. My dad has BPD and it has been realllllllllly difficult on me specifically. Hopefully I’ll learn how to create a relationship with him that is healthy and not overbearing. A lot of my trust and self confidence issues stem from my relationship with him so I’m hoping this helps me rationalize those insecurities more.
- I’ve been extra hard on myself about money recently. I used to get this way all the time while I was living in DC, but since I moved home, I haven’t had to pay rent and things have been *slightly* easier. I’m always pitying myself for having a job that doesn’t pay me that well, and I’m always jealous of friends that have a lot of financial support from their parents. When I was at my low point on Tuesday my mom told me she would give me $20k if she knew it would make me happy. I’ve been thinking about that a lot since then. Aside from the fact that I wouldn’t take that money anyway, because my mom simply doesn’t have it to give, it’s an interesting concept. It has made me wonder whether I’d be just as hard on myself about money even if I had that much more of it. It’s also made me wonder how much of my confidence depends on my income (bc clothes, makeup, nice things, etc).
I’ll write more later. I’m going to Rehoboth this weekend with my friends from DC and I’m really excited! I’m going to try to drink less while I’m there. I think a lot of my anxieties and negative thoughts have been surfacing once I get drunk and I’m hoping I can contain that for the weekend.
LOL GUESS WE’LL SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOES ANYONE EVEN READ THIS ANYWAYS???????