Being 24 with Acne

I was originally planning to write a post about a new podcast I am listening to BUT I’m going to save that for another time because I have a new pressing issue that I want to complain about. 

I LOVE COMPLAINING TO THE INTERNET!

Anyways, like I said the other week, I started a new medication for my depression and anxiety a few weeks ago. I have always been a little hesitant towards medications of any kind because of the potential looming side effects. For about 5 years in high school and college I took Adderall and at first it was a dream. I lost weight, I could focus, I was happy, I felt motivated, etc etc etc. But VERY quickly things began to take a downhill turn. I started feeling numb, I had even more trouble focusing than I did when I started, and if I went a single day without taking it, I was useless. I finally decided to stop taking Adderall when I graduated college and it took me a solid 3 months to regain any energy or motivation. And in all honesty, I still really haven’t felt the same since. 

This negative experience was the beginning of all of my fears and concerns. Then last August I started taking birth control for the first time. I was finally fed up with having horrible, never ending cramps, and I figured my experience couldn’t be THAT bad, since ya know like eeeeeveryone takes birth control, right?? But nope, this didn’t go well either! I’ve been taking birth control for a year now and I’m still not happy with it, not to mention the fact that I definitely think I’ve gained weight as a result. 

Sooooooooooo when my psychiatrist suggested I try a new medication, I was terrified. Especially because a lot of depression/anxiety medications tend to have a long list of potential side effects. I’m a little over two weeks in and, I’m indifferent and still extremely nervous. The biggest issue I am noticing now, as you can tell from the title, is my acne. 

I have always said that I was a late bloomer with regards to acne though. I didn’t really have breakouts until college, but this is waaaay worse. I’ve never has acne like this in my life and it’s terrifying. 

My point with this is, although acne is a minor side effect, it is extremely discouraging. Getting to the point where I feel comfortable taking a medication like this is hard, and to realize that it is causing side effects that make me even sadder is even harder. It took a lot of guts to admit I may need more help than just some appointments with my therapist, so to know that medication isn’t as easy as it sounds is reallllllllly difficult, especially for someone than struggles with anxiety/depression. 

Like, if someone said to you “hey, I can give you a life where you’ll probably be happier (no guarantees, tho) but as a result you’ll constantly feel ugly and possibly struggle with more side effects like no sex drive, but at least you might be happier! (even though you may at some point down the line also struggle with withdrawal symptoms)”… would you accept the offer? or would you rather consciously choose to struggle with depression?

Something Short

… Because I haven’t written in a while. (And because I’m feeling mildly anxious!!!!)

I’m going out this weekend for the first time in almost a month and I’m very nervous about it. As I’m sure I’ve explained before, my bottled up emotions expose themselves in very inappropriate, anxiety-ridden ways when drink… i.e. I get very stuck inside my own head, I replay really negative thoughts to myself over and over, I usually cry a lot, then feel super anxious and embarrassed about crying, realize I’m unable to openly express what lead to said crying, and by that point the night is ruined and I’m lucky if one of my friends notices and decides to take me home.

This endless cycle has been occurring more and more frequently over the past year or so and at this point I basically expect it to happen the minute I’m drunk. I know a lot of people use drinking as a way to escape their problems but likkkkkke my question to those people is: HOW DO YOU DO IT???? If only that was the case for me WOW would my life be a dream.

Anyways, I started a new medication for my anxiety/depression a few weeks ago and I haven’t drank since I started it so I am also very apprehensive about that!! ! ! ! Yikes! !

This post really has little to no point, and I wrote is in about 2 minutes without even checking to see if any of it was grammatically correct (heh sry low quality content!) But I am sitting on the train on the way to the beach for the weekend, and I’m silently PANICKING about the fact that I don’t want to socialize and that I will probably ruin the weekend by crying once again. And the kicker is my therapist keeps telling me I need to try harder to put myself out there. I DON’T WANNA, OK.

*insert upside down smiley face*

But seriously does anyone have any tips and tricks to being more carefree when you drink?? LMK I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET! ! ! K wish me luck, thnx.

I’m Moving to New York

When I was 13 years old, my best friend Brittany and I used to constantly daydream about living in New York City when we grew up. We used to have these elaborate plans to work in film and fashion and live in this beautiful apartment overlooking all the lights of the city. I so so SO vividly remember listening to The Fray’s self titled album on repeat alone in my bedroom in suburban Pennsylvania, idealizing my future self and my cool, successful, big city life.

It’s funny because here I am, over 10 years later, still idealizing this future, successful, happy version of myself. I know I sound like a broken record, but I would have never expected my life at age 24 to be the way it is. 

Don’t get me wrong, part of that is a great thing. I went to a college I loved more than I ever could have imagined, and I met friends that showed me sense of love and support that I had never experienced before. I spent a year in DC and I loved (almost) every single minute of it. I traveled to some amazing places, met some amazing people, and I’ve made memories I never thought possible.

But I think as a kid dreaming about my future, I never accounted for the struggles I was bound to face. My young, naive self always assumed that the older I got, the happier I would become. I spent so much of my childhood being bullied and feeling like an outcast, that I assumed that with age came confidence and the ability to withstand any negativity thrown my way.

For a while that was pretty true. High school and college were a collection of almost entirely happy memories for me. I felt more popular, more confident, more mature, more independent, and overall more happy. But post-grad hit me like a brick wall. My family fell apart, my career didn’t come easy, my confidence plummeted, and my mental heath suffered. 

It’s been so easy for me to pity myself, especially recently, because I feel like I’ve had a lot more emotional low points over the past few months. But I want to take a step back and realize how much I have to be proud of. Yes, I have a long way to go, but I’m making my little middle school self’s dream reality and that is pretty cool!! 

I wish I felt more excited about it. I’ve been having an extra difficult time feeling upbeat about anything recently and not only is that obviously sad, but it’s so so frustrating. Knowing that something that used to make you happy doesn’t anymore is such a confusing feeling. 

I think this move is going to be a step in the right direction, though. I took a big risk leaving DC for a job in NYC. The past 6 months of commuting has all been leading up to this moment. I wonder what my 13 year old self would think of me now. 

I Haven’t Written in a While

Here is why: 

  1. Writing, for me, is therapeutic, but only to an extent. When I’m feeling more drained/stressed/tired/sad than usual, sometimes writing just seems impossible. Sometimes I can’t even comprehend how I could find the energy to put words on paper. I’ve felt that way a lot recently.
  2. On a lighter note, I’ve also just been busy. I’ve been apartment hunting like crazy, traveling a lot while it is still summer, and working non-stop. I usually have a lot more alone time to write, but I’ve been so exhausted by the time I get on the train home every night that all I’ve wanted to do is turn my brain off for a little bit.

Here are some updates that I want to elaborate on in future posts: 

  1. I had a meltdown on my birthday. I think a lot of it stemmed from seeing my dad’s parents the night before. Seeing them put me in this dark place and I just couldn’t shake it because I couldn’t even really put my finger on why I felt that way. I just knew I felt it and I just couldn’t stop crying all day. In a way it was helpful though. I haven’t felt that low in a while. I think I needed it.
  2. I’ve been feeling extra disconnected from my friends recently. Usually I’m very extroverted in the sense that being with people energizes me. It lifts my mood and distracts me from the thoughts in my head. Recently I have felt the exact opposite. I feel unlike myself, lonely, and frustrated around friends. I cried on Friday night (while we were out celebrating my birthday) partially because I felt this way and just couldn’t make it go away. I feel increasingly more interested in being alone now, and I’m afraid its only going to get worse. It’s such a double edged sword because I’m lonely alone but unhappy when I’m not alone. 
  3. I bought a book called ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells”. Sounds cheesy, but its been great so far. It’s about dealing with friends/family who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. My dad has BPD and it has been realllllllllly difficult on me specifically. Hopefully I’ll learn how to create a relationship with him that is healthy and not overbearing. A lot of my trust and self confidence issues stem from my relationship with him so I’m hoping this helps me rationalize those insecurities more. 
  4. I’ve been extra hard on myself about money recently. I used to get this way all the time while I was living in DC, but since I moved home, I haven’t had to pay rent and things have been *slightly* easier. I’m always pitying myself for having a job that doesn’t pay me that well, and I’m always jealous of friends that have a lot of financial support from their parents. When I was at my low point on Tuesday my mom told me she would give me $20k if she knew it would make me happy. I’ve been thinking about that a lot since then. Aside from the fact that I wouldn’t take that money anyway, because my mom simply doesn’t have it to give, it’s an interesting concept. It has made me wonder whether I’d be just as hard on myself about money even if I had that much more of it. It’s also made me wonder how much of my confidence depends on my income (bc clothes, makeup, nice things, etc).

I’ll write more later. I’m going to Rehoboth this weekend with my friends from DC and I’m really excited! I’m going to try to drink less while I’m there. I think a lot of my anxieties and negative thoughts have been surfacing once I get drunk and I’m hoping I can contain that for the weekend. 

LOL GUESS WE’LL SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOES ANYONE EVEN READ THIS ANYWAYS???????