Most Kids are Cooler Than Me

Today was a shitty day but I’ve been trying to remind myself of how happy I was last night to cheer myself up. This is going to sound BEYOND stupid but I felt the happiest I have in a while last night, alone in my bed, at 1am, watching America’s Got Talent audition videos……and sobbing.

I’ve been watching this one video of Grace Vanderwaal’s audition for weeks whenever I need a good happy cry. But last night that video led me down a black hole filled with every other emotional audition video in recent years. I spent too much time on YouTube, I know, I get it, let’s move on.

First of all: PEOPLE ARE SO TALENTED. Second of all: the world is a happy place sometimes, ok. I know I don’t act like it is, but it is.

I remember when I was like 12(?) my family and I went to Disney Land for the first time. I guess I was pretty old for a first-timer, but I remember so vividly still being in such awe of the whole experience. It felt like the closest thing to magic I had ever seen. In that moment, my whoooooole world felt pure.  

That’s exactly how I feel when I watch these videos. Beautifully talented, humble, KIDS who are so unaware of how talented they are, stunning entire audiences of people, and making it look so seemingly effortless in the process. Nothing makes me cry harder than when these kids realize, for the first time, how amazing they are. I get like second-hand euphoria for them. Okay I sound like a loser, but you get it, right? ?? I’m not the only one, right???

I neeeeed to stop obsessing over negativities so much and realize that life is filled with these kinds of joyful moments. I’m just too wrapped up in my own world of anxieties to see any of it most of the time. 

I feel a little embarrassed about my last post and I want to explain why. I don’t want to make excuses or apologize for things I knowingly posted on the internet, but I do want to touch on it. I used the word “friend” way too lightly in that post and I think that that can be taken very offensively.

This is mostly important because I don’t want this blog to be misconstrued (if that’s possible). I don’t want it to come off like I’m harboring all of these negative feelings about friends and letting them out online to cope.  

This blog is my attempt at putting some sort of meaning to all the irrational thoughts in my head caused by my anxiety. And maybe, in a way, the fact that I’ve made it public also makes it a cry for help, I don’t know.

Anyways onto a new post.