Although these may be little accomplishments, bear with me, because its progress nonetheless. The morning after I wrote that long post about my inability to express my feelings, one of my best friends reached out to me about how she felt like it took a lot of courage for me to share those thoughts publicly. I know its silly, but things like that, even from someone I talk to everyday, feel really great sometimes.
Sometimes all you need is a reminder that what you’re doing takes guts. It is so easy to beat yourself up and feel like you’re weak and cowardly and incompetent because you don’t have everything (or anything at all) figured out. As cliche as it is, we really are our own worst critics. I am so guilty of that every single day. But positive affirmation from someone can really go a long way. I need to remember to try to share that positivity with other people more often also.
Today another friend of mine happen to stumble upon my tumblr and that post too. It felt good to know that I have people that genuinely do care, and genuinely do want to listen and want to let me be open and vulnerable with them. It is so easy to automatically assume no one wants to hear what you’re struggling with. At my anxious moments, I work myself up and assume that because no one is asking if I’m okay, they don’t care about my wellbeing. But in reality, how does anyone know to ask how you’re doing if you don’t give them a reason to?
It takes a lot of courage to admit to someone that you’re not okay. But I try to remind myself that that courage almost always brings a massive reward. It is terrifying to feel like you’ve given this big part of yourself to someone else. Especially because they can literally do anything they want to you in return. No one has to accept and support you, and honestly not everyone will. But I can pretty confidently say that most people will, and with that support you will grow. Those people who do end up judging you will help you grow too.
Not every day is a good day for me. I actually had a few pretty bad days before this, but I’m thankful for today. I am thankful for the reminder that I have people to rely on, even when my anxiety is trying to convince me I’m so completely alone. With this support I will hopefully start to take more and more baby steps towards allowing myself to be a more honest and vulnerable person. Maybe one day I’ll be able to share these feelings in person with someone!
It’s also pretty cool that my post last week got 3 likes. I know that is such a minuscule number, but to me it means a lot. It means there are 3 people out there that read that post and could relate to it enough to like it. There are 3 people out there that understand how I feel.
Maybe one day soon I’ll have the guts to share something more detailed about my dad.