I’m going to try something new

alexkrump:

I don’t have that many followers on my tumblr but I do know some people that I am friends with look at my tumblr fairly often so this is something I’ve always been extremely apprehensive about. 

But hi, my name is Alex and I am entirely unable to openly and honestly express my emotions. Partially because I’m afraid of rejection, partially out of habit, and partially because no one asked to hear about my emotions in the first place.

But I got a tumblr in December of 2010 because I wanted to be part of a community that helped me cope with things I was going through and helped me feel less alone. Yes, tumblr has given me that, but at a distance. I have yet to share really any part of myself with tumblr (let alone anyone else for that matter) and I’ve been using it for over 5 years! Really though, I have just consistently gone through my life like that, only being able to express a small part of my whole self out of completely fear. 

At this point that fear is subconscious. I never choose to separate my real feelings with those that I express. Now it’s just who I am in the presence of anyone. When I am alone is the only time I really feel myself, and even then its hard to really rationalize those feelings because I’m unable to share them with anyone else, and sharing feelings is a big part of coping and understanding.

I am truly terrified that I will never fall in love because I am incapable of sharing any vulnerable part of myself. And isn’t a large part of being in love just letting yourself be completely vulnerable and honest with another person? I don’t even know how to tell my own mother that I love her because I’m so beyond terrified to share that feeling. 

Hi my name is Alex, and this is the first time I am sharing a true and honest part of myself with anyone in the world that chooses to see it. I know it is poorly written and I know some of it may not make any sense but this is my first attempt at trying to open parts of myself up that I never have before. This is one tiny step towards change I hope to see in my future.

Hi my name is Alex and my dad was arrested a year ago. My mom dates men that are old enough to be my brother/boyfriend. My brother and I barely speak. I am consistently consumed with overwhelming jealously of my friends with “normal” families, yet I simultaneously understand that there’s no such thing as a “normal” family.

I have this consistent fear that I had an emotionally scarring childhood that I am repressing entirely and, because of that, I can’t even remember the moments that cause all of my anxieties/depression. 

I was bullied a lot as a kid, I spent all my time alone, and my parents fought all the time. My life is nothing crazy, but it was never anything that simple either. 

I spend so much of my time wishing I could vocalize even the littlest insecurities but I am just unable to even feel them in the presence of other people, let alone vocalize them in a way anyone will be able to understand.

I’m not writing this in hopes that someone will sympathize with me. I’m certainly not writing it in hopes that people I know will find it. I’m writing it because I need to start learning to share my honest self with other people. Even if at first those people are strangers that follow me on the internet. And even if those strangers don’t even care or like what I’m writing about.

Maybe some of you people feel this same way! Or maybe I did such a poor job at writing this that you have no understanding of how I feel at all.

But I just want to say that I have good and bad days. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed. Some days I don’t think there is even a future ahead of me. Other days I couldn’t feel stronger and more proud of who I am. Sometimes I want to make excuses and I want pity and I want to just cry all day long. Other days I want to prove that anyone who has even doubted me is completely wrong. Some days I am filled with hope and other days I feel so painfully empty. 

Hopefully I start being more transparent with those highs and lows. Maybe it will help someone else out there, too. Who knows. 

If there actually are people out there that follow me and read things like this, if you ever want to ask me questions or write to me feel free. 

Thanks for listening, random internet world.

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