I’m trying to write more like I used to. My first couple posts on tumblr were very emotionally driven i.e.: about my feelings on graduating college, about my struggle with emotional expression, etc. But I want to share other thoughts too. Who said blogging needs to be intense!
Today I saw a new therapist. This is the 4th therapist/psychiatrist I’ve gone to in the past 2 years. The initial meeting is honestly like a drug. I get a high from divulging a bunch of information to someone I pay to listen to me. I almost want to cancel my next session with this therapist just to find a new one and do it all again. In the past 2 years I haven’t ever added the emotional factor to therapy. I guess that says something about me. I’m all for sharing until I have to be vulnerable… then count me out!
Today I also told my therapist that I have never ruled out the fact that I could be attracted to women. That’s something I’ve never said out loud before today, but why!! I’ve honestly had that viewpoint for a while now. Why am I scared of anyone knowing that? I have always grown up with the understanding that sexuality is a spectrum and can be fluid. I genuinely preach that belief to people. So why am I so ashamed to put myself somewhere on that spectrum just like anyone else? I have no idea who I’ll fall in love with one day!! That ain’t somethin’ to be ashamed of, at least I don’t think so. Love is love, man. Just because I’ve only kissed boys in the past doesn’t mean that I might not want to kiss a girl in the future. Honestly, can any of you “straight” people confidently say you disagree with that? Maybe. Agree to disagree I suppose.
Anyways, I think my point in that is that I’m often hesitant to share my thoughts on certain topics out of fear of judgement or disapproval. But I’m almost 24 years old and I’m done trying to live my life by consistently walking on eggshells to be accepted. You gotta like me for me, ~DUH~.
Way easier said than done, clearly, but HEY. I don’t want to look back 20 years from now and realize I’ve spent my all of my time tailoring my actions to fit other people’s ideals.
Being bullied as a kid fucks with your trust, man. So does anxiety. Having this voice consistently telling you that no one really likes you, your relationships aren’t genuine, and your friends have ulterior motives is hard! But the more I talk about it, the more I learn to navigate my life even with those little voices there.