I say that as if it is a surprise BUT I guess I never really understood what “neurotic” meant until recently? Actually, I still don’t really know what it means in its entirety, but that’s besides the point.
They other day I took a personality quiz, and before you say anything… I KNOW I need to take it all with a grain of salt, okay????
But it was just a little eye opening and I want to share why:
I took the quiz with 3 other friends and when we finished we compared results.
It was 120 questions with results that were broken into categories like extraversion, agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, and neuroticism.
Those categories were then broken into subcategories. Some key subcategories to note: trust, anxiety, depression, self-consciousness, vulnerability, emotionality.
(You can take the quiz here: http://www.personal.psu.edu/j5j/IPIP/ipipneo120.htm)
To sum it up: for each category you are given a score between 1-100, 1 obviously being very low and 100 being extremely high. For the subcategories above I scored:
- Trust: 1
- Anxiety: 98
- Depression: 98
- Self-consciousness: 94
- Vulnerability: 99
- Emotionality: 91
All total, my neuroticism score was 99/100. The description for this reads: “Your score on Neuroticism is high, indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.”
Am I surprised by that? No…. But also kind of. My friends’ scores for trust fell anywhere between 65-95. Their scores for depression/anxiety/etc where all below 20. AKA THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF MY SCORES INCASE THAT NEEDED EXPLAINING.
I couldn’t help by immediately isolate myself within my own brain and replay the same question over and over: “why am I SO far on the opposite side of the spectrum?” Or atleast why is that how it looks on paper?
Why do I look at every person that I find attractive and automatically envision them hurting me before they even talk to me? Why do I immediately assume they won’t care about me enough, or won’t understand me enough, or won’t like me enough to like me and only me? Why am I so cynical to the point where I don’t even know how to have feelings for someone anymore? Why do I pick out every flaw in everyone I meet before I even know them? I have a endless track of critiques playing every time I eye up someone I find even mildly attractive.
DO YOU KNOW HOW EXHAUSTING IT IS TO CONSISTENTLY BE THINKING THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT EVERYONE (MYSELF INCLUDED)?
A couple of my friends recently started new (serious) relationships. I used to get so jealous of my friends in new relationships because I thought it was so cute and I wanted to experience those happy feelings too. Now I can’t even imagine myself feeling the way they feel, and I get almost angered(?) by my friends’ happiness.
THAT IS NOT NORMAL.
I’ve always lacked trust… fine, fine, whatever, okay I get it, BUT it’s never been this bad.
I know a lot of it is subconsciously related to my dad (and also the subconscious fear than no one in their right mind would want to date someone with “daddy issues”… Isn’t that like the #1 turn off in the unwritten book of turn offs?), but I think a lot of it also has to do with having really unstable friendships growing up.
I know that is where a lot of my anxiety stems from too. I’m very accustomed to the idea that if a person decides they’re bored/annoyed/etc of me they can (and probably will) just stop hanging out with me. It’s so hard explaining that to people that grew up with reliable friends, because they don’t consistently struggle with that little bit of fear lingering in the back of their minds like I always do!! It influences basically every interaction I ever have.
Then add some hypersensitivity into the mix and it’s just one adorable endless cycle!! I get hurt by something, I add it to the list of reasons why I don’t trust people, then I judge others and isolate myself, I feel alone, I wonder why no one will love someone like me, then I get hurt, and start over again.
And I think the feelings just slowly get worse and worse over time too.
God it’s lonely.
But how do I fix it????